Education (Limits)

Recently, I learned that less than a third of my deaf classmates from elementary school went on to college. That is a much lower percentage than for hearing students. That upsets me. College is very important. You need a degree to get a good job. In my experience, college also helps you figure out who you are and what you can contribute to the world.

Why was I one of the exceptions? Why did I go to college when my deaf classmates did not? Let me start at the beginning so you can understand.

When I was in kindergarten, I went to a public school where there was no help for the deaf because the teacher did not really understand the needs of deaf students. I did learn some things, but I was not talking yet so my parents decided to transfer me to another school to try kindergarten again. That school was across the state line in Michigan, about 30 minutes away from our house. It was a regular public school, but they had a deaf program where they had teachers who were specially trained to teach deaf students to speak, read, and write. There were quite a few other deaf students, and we all had the same classes and teachers so it was easy to make friends. The teachers were very helpful and if it was not for them, I would not be able to speak, read, or write as well as I do now.

As I passed through 1st grade to 5th grade, I was starting to learn pretty well, especially in subjects like math and social studies. I began taking a few regular classes with hearing students while taking classes that were hard for me such as reading and writing with deaf students. I was doing Ok with the work in the regular classes, so my parents and I decided it was time to go back to my local public school. I consider myself extremely lucky because my parents took me out of a school with a program specifically for deaf students and put me in a mainstream school where I was the only deaf student. It was a really tough adjustment for me, but I know we made the right choice because it helped prepare me for the real world. I graduated from high school and I am really close to graduating from college (I hope!).

There were several reasons why my parents decided to put me back in the public school with hearing students. I did not understand them at the time because I was younger, but as I grew up, I got curious and wondered. So I asked my parents more about it. I found out they were concerned that the program for the hearing impaired students was too sheltered for me. They wanted me to be successful in the world, so they wanted me to learn with many different people.

From my perspective now, I think they were right. I did not see very many different kinds of people while I was in the program for the hearing impaired. For example, I never met an African-American student. When I changed schools, I saw so many colors and different kinds of people and I had to learn how to talk to them or be around them. Also, the program for the hearing impaired was in a very small town and there were not many opportunities for teenagers. Maybe that is why only two other students of the ten in my class when on to college. They were smart kids, but they could not figure out how to get to college. Some of them started a family really young. Some of them are struggling with jobs.

I worry that keeping deaf students isolated in special programs or schools does not prepare them for college and the real world. The mainstream school was not a perfect solution either. Although I learned a lot in high school, they were not helpful when it came to my deafness. I had trouble getting the services I needed and when it came time for college, the counselors could not help me find the right college with the major I wanted to study and services for the deaf.

I was lucky because my parents wanted me to be able to get the best education possible, so they worked hard to prepare me for college and the real world. They saved money so my brothers and I could go to school and not have to worry about whether we could pay back loans. I know that all parents cannot do that, so I believe schools need to make things better for students who are deaf as well as students who have other disabilities.

Being in the mainstream is the only way to prepare students with disabilities for life in the real world, but being in the mainstream works only if teachers know how to teach all students. The only way to make that happen is to start teaching the students who want to become teachers. All kinds of teachers--elementary, middle, high school, college, community college and more--should learn how to work with students who have special needs. Otherwise, there is no way those students will get the education they need to live up to their potential.

My Philosophy

All right so in the last few weeks, I have been through a lot and had a lot on my mind. I actually did not sleep for three and half days straight because my mind was going nut. I was thinking about everything, I mean EVERYTHING. Life, death, love, hate, grief, healing, friends, family, and even my deafness. Okay, I'm going to get started before I start rambling. Here it is...

Ever since I took my very first philosophy class a year ago, I have started thinking more clearly about many things, including deafness. To be more specific, I have started observing more carefully and analyzing what I see, particularly in relation to how other people treat deaf people and act around them.

Recently, I was going through a rough patch with some friends and suddenly I realized that I was repeating a pattern that I have experienced ever since middle school with making friends. It goes sort of like this. When I meet a group of people like, for example, a new team, at first I am friend with everybody and everybody likes me. Then as they learn more about my deafness, the relationships kind of stall out. This happened in middle school with volleyball, basketball, and track. It happened in High school with soccer and basketball. It happened in college with soccer and even in clubs that are not related to sports.

In the past, I would just have been upset about this, but now I wanted to figure it out the way a philosopher would. Why does this pattern keep happening? That is when I came up with this idea and even wrote it down: "They want to be my friend and be there for me but they do not want me to be their friend or ask for my help."

Does this make sense to you? If you are not deaf, you may not get it, but I will try to explain it as simply as I can. Most of my life, I have had people who were amazing to me. Now, however, I am wondering if these relationships are real friendships because friendship is supposed to be between two people who are equally there for each other.

Let's say I had a problem or needed to talk to someone. Often I can find someone who would be there for me or listen to me. And that is great. BUT here is the thing. Every time I talk to someone or ask for help, they learn more about me. I do not learn more about them. Why? When they have a problem, they do not talk to me or ask me for help. We just hang out whenever we happen run into each other or have a practice or game.

I believe that people who listen to me and help me without asking for help in return are not looking for friendship from me. "They want to be my friend and be there for me, but they do not want me to be their friend or ask for my help." When you think about it, this is not friendship. It is not even close. It is pity. They want to be my friend or help me because I am deaf. They want to feel good about themselves because they "helped a disabled person." They do not really see me because they do not understand what I can offer them in return.

I know I will probably deal with people like this the rest of my life. They do not really understand what they are doing. If they did, it would save me the trouble and time of trying to build a true friendship. Fortunately, I have gotten lucky few times and found some a few real friends. Like all friendships, these are still works in progress, but those people value me for who I am -- someone who is willing to help as well as be helped.

People who started one-sided relationships with me do not stick around long. Why should they? They do not see what is in it for them. True friends know that I am more than my special needs. I have a lot to give. We support and help each other, so I know the friendship is real and will be around for a long time.

Death

Death. I never thought that much about it before. It is on my mind now because I lost two family members in less than two weeks. Nobody should have to go through what my family and I are going through right now.

My aunt fought her cancer for two years and a few months before she dies early on the morning of New Years Eve. She was a great individual and always lived her life to the fullest even when she was sick with cancer. We knew she was dying much too young and that was bad enough, but then my uncle (her husband) was struck with a heart attack just few hours before she died. He was in coma for a week and half before his family decided to honor his wishes and discontinue extraordinary life-saving measures. He died a few days later. We were not prepared for this. It was hard enough to think about losing one, but losing two so quickly has been a shock for everyone. This might seem like an unusual subject in a blog about deafness, but for obvious reasons, it is on my mind.

I know there is no connection between death and being deaf. Yet, even in this sadness, I feel like there is a huge disadvantage to being deaf. No matter who you are, you have a hard time when someone dies. Grief is unpredictable and it is extremely important to have a support system when dealing with death. Most people would be around their family giving each other support and talking to each other. But me? When all this was happening with my family, I was away in college. I had just started the first week of a new term so I did not feel like I should skip all of my new classes to go home and be with my family.

So I have been texting and emailing my family as much as I can. I am doing it partly to support them and partly to deal with my own thoughts and feelings. Texting is not the best way to communicate in this situation, that is for sure. Often when I type out a text or even an email, it does not really capture what I want to say, so I do not even send it and try to write a new one. I think it would be so much easier to talk on the phone. That way, I could call my family, talk to them and be sad with them. It would also be a lot easier to get updates. Sending a lot of short messages is annoying and often leads to misunderstanding. Every time I got an update from my family, I would get confused and sometimes I had the completely wrong idea about what was happening.

I think part of the problem is that there is no emotion in text. Sure you get clues so you can try to figure it out. But sometimes words or sentences can be interpreted more than one way. In person, you can see emotions on people's faces. Even on the phone, I can tell that people hear emotions from the other person's voice.

It is also a problem when I am feeling very sad. I like to use my voice when I express myself, but I cannot just call somebody and talk on the phone. I have to text somebody and ask them to meet me somewhere. But I do not like having to make plans just to be sad. You cannot control when you will feel certain emotions. When I feel sad, I want to be able to talk to somebody right away. And texting when I am sad makes me feel even more cut off from other people.

I do not want to feel upset about being deaf all the time. I know I have to make the best of my situation and try to communicate and support my family in any way I can. I know texting gives deaf people options that they did not have before. This week, however, I was mostly aware of how limited this form of communication is. It is like my grief is double. I am mourning my aunt and my uncle. And I am mourning the face that being deaf cuts me off from people I love at a time when we need each other the most.

Holiday Season

Okay!!! I know it has been a while since the last time I updated my blog. It has been a really crazy, busy, and overwhelming holiday season. Hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now we are getting ready for New's Year Eve. It is almost 2011. That put me in a thoughtful mood and it made me realize that the holidays gave me a topic to write about.

Let me tell you something about what the holiday season does to me as a deaf person. Sure, there is lots to see -- food, snow, shopping, presents, lights, trees, and more. When I was younger, that was enough. I really liked getting presents, eating unlimited sugar and playing in the snow.

But as I got older, I began hating the holiday season. Seeing the decorations and everybody else's Christmassy spirit made it worse. You see, every year, my father's family always came to our house for Christmas. (This was a little weird because they are Jewish, but that is another story.) Anyway, the whole week of Christmas there are always at least ten people in the house.

Being the only deaf person in the whole family is always hard because I cannot follow a group conversation. I would never understand or know a single thing that was going on in the house just because there were too many people. Everybody would get going with a conversation and forget that they had to communicate a little differently with me. Even on Christmas morning when we open gifts, people are laughing and joking and I can catch only a little bit of what is being said.

Naturally, the holiday includes lots of big meals. Every time we get together at a table for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, or even dessert, I always felt left out and would get really frustrated and angry inside. It is the same as I mentioned in the earlier blog about being invisible only now it is family. I care about these people and love them, so I do not walk away. I stick it out and stay until everybody is about to leave the table.

When I was younger, I just kind of stared at my plate, ate my food, and felt miserable. To be honest with you, now that I think about how I used to be, I believe I was selfish. I was always complaining about how I never knew what everybody was saying or what was going on. Now that I am older, I realize there is really nothing we can do to make my situation better. I am the only deaf person in the family so I cannot expect everyone what it is like to be me. And I cannot just wave a wand and have every single one of them know sign language. Believe me, if I could do that I would, but there is no sign language fairy. Haha.

So now, when my family and I get together for a feast, I just simply sit there and enjoy the food. But I also watch and observe. You might even say I spy because I pay attention to what others do not see. I watch their faces and I see their personalities. I see who is quiet and who is talkative. I see who is laughing and who is more serious. Even though I cannot be involved in conversations, debates, stories due to being deaf, I enjoy seeing my family being happy together and I feel like I am gradually getting to know them more deeply.

Shopping is another thing where I have had to learn to find my own satisfactions. I used to hate going shopping during the holiday season because I did not feel a part of it. When I was a little kid, I would make whatever the teacher said to and give it to my parents. As a teenager, I would just find any lousy gift so I could get away from the stores as quickly as possible.

In the last few years, I have started thinking about giving more meaningful gifts to the people in my family. My photography helps me because I have been able to capture images that people care about. This year I gave my mother a photo of her family from a family reunion and I gave my grandma an album with photos from a place she loves. When I watched them open their presents from me, seeing the emotion on their faces helped to make up for the face I am deaf.

Deafness makes the holidays different for me. As I have grown and gone through many holiday seasons, the situation has not really changed. It is still painful to feel left out, but I no longer feel so unhappy that I want to ruin the fun for others. These are people I love. I know they love me, and I have gradually found my own ways to enjoy this special time with my hearing family. Happy New Year to all!!! =)

"Invisible"

Writing a blog is harder than I thought it would be--maybe because I am trying to think about something that is pretty personal--my deafness and how it impacts me and my relationships with people around me.

Here's an example: Often I avoid being with groups of people. I am good lipreader, but I find it hard to follow along with group conversation, especially if people get on a roll and talk quickly among themselves. Then I cannot figure out who is speaking fast enough to read their lips and pretty soon I am totally lost.

It might seem that the best solution to that problem would be asking questions of the closest hearing person. Believe me, I have done that many times and it works out very rarely. Sometimes the hearing person says it is not important or never mind. Well, if it is not important, why is everyone else laughing or seem to have a good time? I want to be included in that.

Or sometimes the other person gets frustrated because it is hard to explain the conversation. Or they just get tired of me asking so many questions. I do not interrupting the flow of the conversation, and I certainly do not want to ruin the fun. Sometimes I stick it out for a while. If nothing changes, I start to feel "invisible." I really hate that feeling, so then I remove myself from the group situation. It is not that I want to be by myself, but it is less miserable than being unable to participate in what is obviously making everybody else happy.

This weekend, I had this experience with teammates. We played a tournament so we were staying at a hotel. The team was bonding with a lot of talking, joking, and goofing around in groups. People were talking fast, and I could not follow what they were saying. So I left.

One of my teammates came looking for me and asked why I did not want to hang out with the team anymore. I tried to explain to her. We have talked about deafness before, so I thought she would understand. But this time, she started telling me that I gave up too easily. She gave me bunch of ideas what I should do. I think she was trying to be nice, but I have been doing those things since high school. They do not work. The only time I can understand what is happening in a group is when everybody uses sign language.

Having my teammate lecture me made me feel worse because I realize that, despite our conversations, she does not truly understand. When a hearing person is quiet in a conversation, they are still able to follow what is being said. It may make sense to them stay and listen even if they do not participate.

For me, sitting in a roomful of talking, laughing people feels terrible. I want to know what they are saying, but the only way to do that is break in and ask questions. The first few questions, no problem. They probably would answer. But after a while, I can see that all of my questions make it hard for my hearing friends. They begin to feel frustrated because I am ruining the flow of the fun. I do not like the feeling that I am ruining good times for other people, especially my friends.

Being "invisible" is not a great feeling. Trust me, I would rather be feeling something else. That is why I remove myself from group situations. It is hard to be alone when I know everyone else is having a good time, but it is better than being invisible in a group.

Stereotypes

Sorry it took me a while to post a new blog; college life got in the way! Also I had a bit trouble putting my thoughts down about this subject and making them understandable. But here it is.

Stereotypes. They used to be everywhere or at least I thought saw them everywhere. There are so many kinds out there that it is ridiculous. I will admit I used to believe in some of them when I was back in middle and high school. It is easiest to create stereotypes when there is a clearly visible and consistent attribute that can be easily recognized. I guess that is why people of color are easily stereotyped.

People do not always talk about their stereotypes, but that does not mean they are not there. It may seem offensive to see them written down, but that does not mean people do not believe them. I will throw in a few stereotype examples to make things clear for later.

African Americans are more likely to be criminals.

White Americans are judgmental towards other races.

Italians are supposedly connected to a mob.

Hispanics are likely to be illegal aliens.

Jewish People are usually greedy.

Muslim People hate the United States.

Tell...do you believe any of those? Do not give the "right" answer. Look deep inside yourself to see whether you make a snap judgments about people as soon as you see their color or find out about their religion. I admit that I used to do that, but not anymore. Now I actually know people in those groups and they are nowhere close to the stereotype. Every single person is different and has different lives. I have been thinking a lot about stereotypes because they are not limited to race and religion. Other people face them too.

People with disability. I am one of them. I know that for a first look at me, you probably would not notice anything wrong with me. But I am deaf and there are stereotypes about deaf people as well as for other types of disabilities. Again, you probably would not say these things out loud, but do you think them?

Deaf People are mute and dumb.

Physically Disabled People are pitiable.

Mentally Disabled People do not notice if you make fun of them.

Blind People are helpless.

These horrible stereotypes are possible only when you do not know people who are disabled.

Take me. I am deaf, but I am not dumb; I am in college right now working on my degree. I am not mute; I can speak just fine. Many people have told me that when they heard me for the first time, they did not know I was deaf. Some people have had an entire conversation with me before they noticed my hearing aids.

I also have a job where I work with people with disability. Through my job, I have met many people who are in a wheel chair, blind, or mentally disabled. I can tell you the one thing they all have in common: None of the stereotypes are spot on.

I have to admit that I used to be afraid of people with disability when I was younger and did not understand my own disability. I tended to stay away from them partly because I rely greatly on my lip-reading skills and I was not sure if I would be able to understand them.

I stepped out of my comfort zone when I took a job at Adapted Recreation. I have learned that everybody who is in chair does not have the same disability. Some can dive, some can play quad rugby. I have learned that some blind people can see a little, some can see certain colors and most can get around without extra help. I have learned that Mentally Disabled People are not helpless, and they feel pride about what they can do.

Through my work, I have become comfortable with new friends. Some happen to be in a chair. Some happen to be blind. Some happen to be mentally disabled. All are individuals. The stereotypes made me afraid -- for no reason. If I had stuck with the stereotypes, I would have missed out on relationships with some very cool people.

I wish I could say forget the stereotypes, but it is not that easy. Generalizations about groups of people show up in movies, televisions, music, advertising, and everyday conversation. Maybe what we can do is challenge the stereotypes. When you meet someone who is different from you, a little voice in your head may try to label them. Tell that little voice to "Shut up!" Get to know the person. Draw your own conclusions. If you experience is like mine, your life will be a lot better if you ignore the stereotypes and get to know people as individuals.

My point of view

So I thought I would start up my blog again since everybody who read my blog about Deaflympics seemed to enjoy it. This time, I will be posting some of my thoughts about my disability and the impact it has had on my life. This is only my point of view. I do not want to judge anybody and I hope others will not judge me.

I call myself the missing link. Why? Hearing people do not think I am deaf because I speak. Deaf people do not think I am deaf because I do not sign. Where does that put me exactly? I do not belong in the hearing world nor the deaf world. I'm just stuck in the middle hence the "missing link." It seems the world is not ready for people like me who do not fit neatly into categories.

I began calling myself the missing link after one year in college. I grew up orally and worked really hard at practicing my speech. Now many hearing people believe I am not deaf because of how well I speak. They do not understand that I still do not hear. I depend on lip-reading and, even then, I miss a lot of what people say.

I started learning American Sign Language when I was a senior in High School, but gave up because of a conflict with the teacher. In college, I tried again and began enjoying it more. Though I have tried to become fluent in ASL, I still prefer to use my voice to communicate. As a result, deaf people do not find me deaf enough because I do not sign as will as most of them.

So I do not fit in either world -- hearing or deaf. I am just simply stuck in the middle. I realize that, for most of life, I have been trying to figure out where do I belong?